Hoagie Roun Kellogg's Frosted Flakes Pizza Gratin
I ran to the convenience store, only to find the shelves bare except for this monstrosity. I went back to my office and posted this picture with the message:
Pizza, gratin, breakfast cereal, and tigers, together at last!
20 -- no, make it 30 likes, and I will buy, eat, and review this abomination, on a scale of "Great!" to "Grrrrrreat!"
People I thought were my friends replied with comments like "does a ‘laugh’ count as a ‘like’? If not, I will change it happily." and "I'm so upset that I can only vote once." and "They're grossssssss!"
The likes reached 25 around 8:30, but were starting to climb more slowly. So I said it had to happen by 9:30 or I was going home sans Frosted Flakes pizza gratin. This lit a fire under my "friends," who bristled at the newly introduced stipulation but ultimately pulled through.
"better mukbang the shit out of it!" one friend told me.
At that point, I was trying to decide between eating this at home where my messy apartment might lead to extra-unsettling pictures, or saving it for tomorrow so I could eat it at work...where you can see my messy desk. I was leaning towards home, where we can see what the cats will think of it.
However, when I headed back to the convenience store, I found the back entrance to my office building closed. Knowing the only ways around were kind of a hassle and I still had work to do, I retreated back to my office, determining to go there after the city deadline.
At 9:30, I left with my coworker, parted ways in front of the building, and then went around only to discover that the SUV parked in front of the target CU belonged to none other than my coworker. I remained crouched behind the bushes across the street for several minutes while I waited for him to drive away, because we already said goodbye and I dont want him to see me buying this.
Finally I arrived home with this bowl of tiger energy. Buster gave it a glance but otherwise was more entranced by the possibility of me opening a can of cat food.
I set up a towel to be the place for photographing this culinary seppuku.
Here it is with the lid removed. You can see sausage slices, Frosted Flakes, what appears to be shredded cheese, and hunks of white bread which I'm going to charitably guess is an integral part of gratin.
"christ...it looks worse than I thought it would" said one friend.
I put this down for Buster who gave it a sniff and turned away.
Millie turned her attention away from her meal to look at it, but only I think to assess any possible threat.
A closer look. The Frosted Flakes were already soggy.
I put it in the microwave for the recommended time, and when the microwaveable metal-looking container touched the wall of the microwave, it sparked. Not too sure how this works. Later there was a singe mark on the rim where contact was made.
I put the cooked food down and Buster walked away.
Here it is cooked. you can see the cheese is melted a bit. The Frosted Flakes are still soggy.
Millie is also disgusted.
I started digging around a bit and discovered green pieces. These appear to be chunks of green pepper, like you'd find on a cheap pizza.
I dug deeper and...pizza sauce? Initial taste suggested I'd found a bottom layer of ketchup. Later tasting indicated this wasn't normal ketchup, but a sweet, spicy version that was probably the worst kind of ketchup to use in this dish which merited no ketchup in the first place.
I mused at one point, "I've probably been in Korea too long that I read the label and never once expected there to be pizza crust beneath."
Buster came by on his way to his chair, still disgusted by what I was doing.
Here's a spoonful of it before it started to really congeal. The white stuff is likely mayonnaise and possibly shortening. Note the spoon is a cereal spoon showing the "flion" from Post's competing "Corn Flight."
Here's the label, showing ingredients. Gonna skim and gloss but sweet corn, which shouldn't come as a surprise, mozzarella cheese, sugar, bread with ingredients from the US and Canada, shortening, pepper-flavoured sausage, corn, sugar, salt, ketchup, cellulose, mayonnaise B, Corn Flakes, onion, pepper.
One friend asked "Why the fuck is there shortening in there?" to which I replied "To go with the mayo, duh."
Halfway through, and the best three ingredients are the sausage, the corn, and the green pepper.
Correction: the best thing about it was the plastic spork, which I've stored for use later if there's ever an apocalypse and we run out of real utensils and/or the ability to clean them.
The worst ingredients are the ketchup, mayonnaise, bread, Frosted Flakes, and cheese.
I was wrong before; I am all the way through.
I offered it to Buster again, and I swear I saw his nose wrinkle multiple times in disgust.
One friend said "That looks like cat vomit. Looks like, because your cats are smarter than that."
I replied: "Someone say cat vomit?"
Next I showed the ruins of this meal to Millie, who looked skeeved but then started lapping at it. I got a few seconds of video, where the camera is shaky and I burst into laugher, shouting "You disgusting! You're disgusting. Ugh."
Final review: I cast all associated ingredients and types of food (breakfast cereal, pizza, and gratin) OUT. And my Facebook friends list will be 41 names lighter tomorrow.
One friend recommended: "You may need to do an exorcism."
I replied, "I've smelled exorcisms before and can safely say, not in my apartment."
"Celebrating the new year in style" (to which I replied, "Year of the Orange Gratin Tiger.")
"what the fuck did I just read" (to which I replied, "Imagine EATING it.")
"Jesus man why are you doing that to yourself" (to which I replied, "For the likes!" as I had seriously walked myself into this one)
A Korean American said "I'm so damn confused I needed the help of my other gyopo friends to help me understand."
And another Korean American friend he tagged replied "wtf is this monstrosity"
And the first said "This is OUR food. What happens when you fuse Korean and American. It's us in a bowl."
One friend remarked "Korea needs to be stopped"
"I woke up today uncertain if this whole event last night was a fever dream."
"That must have been one helluva focus group."
"This all be illegal"
After, someone posted about the Frosted Flakes hot dog on the Facebook group Expat Grocery Gurus Korea.
To which I replied: "Oh I've got you fucking beat here buddy. Frosted Flakes pizza gratin. I bought it and ate as much as I could until the ketchup and mayo got to me."
So later, I realised that the Frosted Flakes chicken box, which I'd bought at the CU in Severance Hospital, was still in my queue for being processed for disposal. So I pulled it out for a closer look.
The concept of Corn Flakes with fried chicken doesn't sound so bad, although these were frosted with something emitted from a tiger, as you can see congealed below. This is about five days after I ate it; even the mold doesn't want it.
One of the three compartments had pieces of fried chicken with shrimp tails sticking out. I confirmed based on the label that, yes, there were shrimp ingredients in this. Also I had one or two pieces, confirming that it did not taste like shrimp, and decided against eating more for health reasons.
Tuesday morning, I woke up to the sound of a worker on my roof. He'd been lifted up there by a truck-based lift, with no prior notice given to me. I was alarmed, and got dressed up in my shit-kickingest clothes to confront him. I took one step out the door and put my foot in the Frosted Flakes pizza gratin left out there previously.
Please remember that these photos are all copyrighted to me. If you want to use them in any way, there's a 90 per cent chance I'll give you my permission, and be able to give you a copy with a higher DPI.Copyright Daehanmindecline 2022